Saturday, November 03, 2012

New start

Here I am, happier than ever. I made the best decision in my life and put myself ahead. Long, unslept nights, me just thinking about what to do, if it is worth giving it a try, or not. If I should stop thinking about others' good, and start thinking about my own....This is a story about love, and not a love story.
They say that one accepts the love he thinks he deserves. And it fits me puurrrfectly. I felt miserable about myself, I was weak, vulnerable, felt ugly and misunderstood. I wanted someone who could boost up my esteem, who could make me look good in front of other people. I was delighted by the package, without looking at the ingredients. And they were the worst I could find: greed, hatred, frustration, anger, disrespect, huge ego, and the list goes on and on. Every girl enjoys a guy with muscles and lots of money. I did that too. But when the need for understanding and comfort popped up, I couldn't find them anywhere. Just emptiness and indifference. I have always been a dreamer, always wanted someone to sweep my cheeks when I sigh, to hug me till bones break when I get tired of fighting the world and I need a pillar, to look at me not to point out my flaws, but the keep my eyes off them. And man, it took me so long to figure it out. I thought I was in love with the person, but in fact, I was in love with the way people looked up at us and thought " Hey, they look so great together " . But it doesn't work that way. It is not about the looks, it's about the inner good. I was always on the second place, because I was taught that way. The wrong way. Never do that. People don't care. They are mean and selfish. 
And I just accepted the way things worked, let it flow and didn't react, because I was blind folded by the validation I received from the others. All that ate me alive, from the inside, pulled out all the good that was inside me and replaced it with the same frustration and anger. Anger on everyone else. It made me selfish and gave me the impression that I was more superior than everyone else, but NOT more than him. Every spark that I had in me, it was gone in seconds, because he blew it away. Every tear that I wanted to shed was stopped by the hatred and the fear of being spotted as weak. I've lost it so bad, that I am now fighting with myself in order to find what was long gone. I am trying to find the balance that was already shattered during my wonderful childhood and to open up again to the people that really believe in me. 
But it was that one spark that he couldn't blow away, because he couldn't see it. I've hidden it so well, deep inside my soul, so that no one could spot it. And it kept me warm at night, when no one was checking up on me. It made me smile, it tickled me and made me dream. And when I had my first chance of turning it into a flame, i took it. Look at it now, burning like I've poured gasoline on it. And it protects me from all the evil around me, it keeps me safe from the shouts that everyone throws at me for having the guts of thinking about my own good. And I'm letting myself fall, because it feels so damn good. I'm falling in love.

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